Every BBC series about the universe.
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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house