Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
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The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
I’m good, thanks.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.