You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
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“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.