@mikeleffingwell

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

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@IamJackBoot

You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.

@LuvPug

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

@Jeffwni

13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

@Shariv67

“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows

@SvetySveta

Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.

@WheelTod

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

@patnspankme

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.