@IamJackBoot You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
@mikeleffingwell Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
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@IamJackBoot 
@LuvPug “I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
@Jeffwni 13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
@JennyJohnsonHi5 This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
@chairkeyre During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
@Shariv67 “I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
@SvetySveta Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
@WheelTod I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
@gingerbrigade1 My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
@patnspankme I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.