Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
You Might Also Like
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…