every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
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Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one