every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
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I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job