“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
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[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
My current situation
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends