Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
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Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
🤣could you imagine
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts