every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
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Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Yup
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.