every college guy’s fridge
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TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it