Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
You Might Also Like
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”