Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
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Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.