*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
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I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
This was my dad’s browser history.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!