every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
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Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
This is painfully accurate 😅
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Lmao the reply