Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
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I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Cinematography is my passion
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.