Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
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Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.