every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized
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[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
is this a warning or an offer?
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?