every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
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you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Tuesday
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
😂💯
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils