Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
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Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Just parrot things
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.