Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
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Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.