Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
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EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
a McRib killed my tapeworm
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.