Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
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My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Can. I. Help. You.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
that’s really how it is
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything