Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
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Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
same vibe as tangled headphones
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
bears
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.