[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
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i was baptized in a car wash
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
yeah not falling for this one
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014