Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
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I’d love this before and after shot…lol
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Scream sneezers need love too.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Don’t talk down to me
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.