Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
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I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything