Every haunted house movie:
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If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
(Jupiter –
Stick it to the man
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama