Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
You Might Also Like
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Why is everyone getting married at me
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you