Every husband sings this song ππ€£π π€£ππ€£
The ending is priceless πππ
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
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*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. TouchΓ©
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: Iβd be happy toβ
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didnβt quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Iβm white, but not βmy kitchen island is so big it has its own zip codeβ white
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how theyβll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an βinternational marketβ
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that weβre deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didnβt you?
Me: Yes.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasnβt cranked up loud enough to begin with.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.