Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
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[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.