Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
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My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.