Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
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You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
“I wouldn’t.”
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Yup!
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.