Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
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Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Great game to play with friends
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.