Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
You Might Also Like
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
The Weeknd is back
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: