Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
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What fresh Hell is this?!?
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The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Otters see a butterfly.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
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[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
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I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me: