Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
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Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”