Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
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Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
lol
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
✌🏽
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*