@LurkAtHomeMom Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
@relatabledad every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
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@LurkAtHomeMom 
@djdarrellripley Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
@noog Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
@junejuly12 Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
@adult_keverage Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
@steveolivas Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
@kylekinane Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
@AmishPornStar1 Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
@notacroc PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
@NoTheOtherJohn ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]