every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
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DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
So creative 😂
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?