every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me - @relatabledad

every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.

(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

All of my best ideas involve jail time.

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The Chosen Phew

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.

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