@relatabledad

every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me

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@sarahkendzior

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

@DrunjAF

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

@sarcasticmommy4

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

@Jake_Vig

It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.

@_Water_Baby

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

@OlanDevine

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The Chosen Phew

@krishna_van

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

@mommajessiec

I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.