@relatabledad

every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me

You Might Also Like

@LurkAtHomeMom

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

@djdarrellripley

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

@noog

Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”

@junejuly12

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

@steveolivas

Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

@kylekinane

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

@AmishPornStar1

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

@notacroc

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

@NoTheOtherJohn

ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]