Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
You Might Also Like
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
HOW DARE YOU
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.