EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
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“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
my dog when i have a friend over
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud