Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
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I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Put my back out twerking in the library again
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Canada has crack?
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing