Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
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When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house