Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
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A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.