Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls

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Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!


‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?


Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.


[airport security]
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*


PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet


Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?


Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.



First day of the week: brad pitt

Last day of the week: homeless druggie


HIM: Are you mad at me?

ME: No.

HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.

ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.


Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*