Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
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*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
The two types of wives
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
God: you’re a parrot.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.