Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
TEETH IS INNOCENT
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
barbara was highly relatable
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.