Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.

I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.

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Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?

Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.


You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money


Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine


After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.


I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero


I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.


Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.


My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.


I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game


My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.