@The_Sculptress

Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.

I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.

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@PaulyPeligroso

Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?

Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.

@Kryzazy

You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money

@LeaMehanna

Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine

@RogueGod

After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.

@WonderMonkey78

Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.

@bjaynash

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

@CrockettForReal

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

@mellimelle

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.