Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
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Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
j o i m p
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.