Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
You Might Also Like
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
My life in a nutshell
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Merica.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.