Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
You Might Also Like
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
How dramatic are you?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not