Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
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Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row