Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.

*Strong man rips a phone book in half

Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?

*washing car*

Neighbor: “You washing your car?”

Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”

“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”

“You mean Collider?”

“Oh shit!”

What legos do when we’re not looking.

I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire

Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?

Firefighter: No

Wife *slides him $20* what about now

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter

“I’ve recently come into some money.”

*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.

pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.

Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?

Me: Absolutely!

Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?

Me: Absolutely!

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant

Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.

tis the season

I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.