Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
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Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.